SATURDAY FOOTBALL

Lead singer Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders

The lyric “My city was gone,” by Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders from their hit song “Ohio” perfectly encapsulates the carnage and scorched landscape of the new state of college football.

The soulless university presidents, blinded by Saudi-like television monies$$$, have bastardized the sport, by abandoning century old conferences, rivalries, and traditions, faster than Elizabeth Taylor tossed aside husbands.

It brings to mind a scene from the Mel Brooks classic movie “Blazing Saddles,”  “Conferences?!  We don’t need no stinking conferences!”

All that’s missing is Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey belting out “Money makes the world go round,” from Bob Fosse’s Academy award winning movie “Cabaret.”

For Traditionalists, like yours truly, we’ll simply put on our Secretariat blinkers, block out the noise, and focus on the matchups, which thankfully seem to always deliver great theatre.

JFK’s 1962 Moon Landing declaration speech at Rice University in front of a crowd that numbered 35,000

That said, we’ll begin a very pedestrian opening weekend of the 2023 season with a recounting of President John F. Kennedy’s Moon Landing speech of more than 60-years-ago, one in which he mentions a college football rivalry which coincidently is the first game for both teams this Saturday.

On September 12, 1962 in an address delivered before 35,000 sweltering and sweat stained onlookers at Rice University, the President outlined his bold initiative of landing a man on the moon before the close of the decade.

Kennedy chose the campus of the Houston academic powerhouse for two reasons; the university had donated the land that would eventually be named; “The Johnson Space Center,” and secondly, Rice became the first school in the nation to offer an academic major dedicated solely to the Science of Space.

In the course of his remarks, the charismatic native son of Massachusetts, as he was wont to do, incorporated a touch of humor by highlighting two old Southwest Conference rivals which sent a ripple of laughter, and applause, throughout the adoring crowd.

These are the highlights of that historic speech.

“But why some say the moon, why choose this as our goal?” Kennedy rhetorically asked.

“And they may well ask, why climb the highest mountain?”  “Why 35-years-ago fly the Atlantic?”

“Why does Rice play Texas?” asked the President breaking into a wry smile.

Rice and Texas hook up in 20019 a 48-13 Longhorn shellacking

[Note: The Texas Longhorns and the Rice Owls, first strapped on its helmets during the Administration of Woodrow Wilson in 1914, and the “Sons of Darrell Royal,” who are currently riding a streak of 15-in-row, own a 74-21-1 record of domination.]

But in a bit of Kennedy karma, that one tie occurred in the moon speech year of 1962!

The President continued, “We choose to go to the moon in this decade, and do other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.”

Although he didn’t live to witness it, on July 16, 1969, JFK’s goal and dream was achieved when Neil Armstrong, in a monumental engineering achievement, uttered these immortal words; “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” becoming the first man to walk on the surface of the moon.

We decided to begin with JFK’s lunar speech because the Longhorns anointed with a preseason A.P. ranking of No. 11, will be abandoning the Big 12 next year and relocating into the rugged world of the SEC, and that decision likely sounds the death knell of any future matchups against the Owls of Rice.

This weekend, with a tip of a center dent shaped fedora to Frank Sinatra, let’s see which teams perform as if it could fly to the moon, and which never leaves the launching pad.

No. 8 Florida State vs No. 5 LSU (ESPN, Sunday 8 p.m.) This matchup is the most intriguing of the  less than stellar slate, and worthy of a “good by ye” shout out to both the Seminoles, and the Tigers, for engaging in such a high stakes, high octane opener.

Unlike its phony chest puffing brethren of Auburn, and Texas A@M, who open with a pair of check writing contests against respectively Massachusetts, and New Mexico, where the point spread is creeping towards 40.  UGH!

Heisman contending QB Jordan Travis and FSU headman Mike Norvell celebrate a victory

In Tallassee, with apologies to Carly Simon, the “anticipation” in Tomahawk Nation after FSU’s first 10-win season in six-years under Mike Norvell, is reminiscent of the heady days of when Bobby Bowden was stacking top-5 seasons in the same way that Taylor Swift cranks out No. 1 albums.

That Himalayan high optimism is based on a roster that is bursting with more talent than a Victoria Secret runway show, and is stacked with 11 returning All-ACC selections, and 15-starters, all of whom are fully satiated with enough NIL retention greenbacks to fill a fleet of Brinks trucks.

QB Jordan Travis, its Heisman contending dual-threat sharpshooter, who makes a mistake (24 TDs-4 Ints) about as often the great Oriole shortstop Mark Belanger committed an error, is the driver of this Gold and Garnet bus.

The Noles field general, cocooned by a veteran offensive line is assisted by tailback Trey Benson (6.4 yards a pop), tight end Jaheim Bell, and a his starry 6-foot-7 Linus Blanket wideout Johnny Wilson, who is as comforting a sight as Boston Light was to an early twentieth century schooner caught in the thrall of a Nor’easter.

On D, the feisty and attacking “Sons of Derrick Brooks,” led by All-America end Jared Verse, his bookend partner Patrick Payton, and backer Kalen DeLoach, is solid, but its overall lack of experienced depth may prove to be its Achilles heel.

Last year, LSU headman Brian Kelly, never one of our favs, bolted from the shadow of “Touchdown Jesus” a.k.a. the footballers of Notre Dame, and comfortably settled into the Bayou of Death Valley.

LSU coach and Everett native Brian Kelly shares a light moment with his starry QB Jayden Daniels

The Everett, Massachusetts native, and future (294-101-2) HOF coach, did so with the intent of filling the Grand Canyon sized hole in an otherwise glittering resume: a national championship.

And except for an occasional cringe worthy attempt to replicate the drawl of a Southern gentleman, the Tiger faithful have been delighted with the first year returns delivered by the Northerner from the Bay State.

These “Sons of Bert Jones,” who have been anointed with its highest preseason ranking since the final year (2016) of the Obama Administration, are commanded by its scintillating dart-throwing QB Jayden Daniels, who runs more than Donald Trump or the Kenyans of the Rift Valley.

The senior field general is supported a Taliban-esque stockpile of weapons, featuring a host of tailbacks led by Josh Williams, and an All-America game breaking receiver in Malik Nabers.

LSU’s All-American linebacker Harold Perkins Jr. in pursuit of a QB

On D, the Tigers return only four starters led by All-America backer Harold Perkins, and tackle Mekhi Wingo, and will need to quickly coalesce if Kelly’s Death Valley eleven hopes to capture its second consecutive SEC West title.

This is a rematch of last season’s opener, and a difficult game on which to get a handle, as a case can be made for both sides.

But we’ll stick with FSU and the spirit of Bobby Bowden, who once said; “If short hair and good manners won football games, Army and Navy would play for the National Championship every year.”  Classic Bowden.

No. 21 North Carolina versus South Carolina (Ch. 5, 7:30 p.m.) In Chapel Hill, a pair of hat tips to Oscar Hammerstein II, and Paul Robeson, in tribute the redux of the Tar Heels “Ol Man River” a.k.a. its 72-year-old HOF head ball coach Mack Brown, the games winningest active coach with an eye-popping 274-victories.

And despite a pedestrian 30-22 record since his 2019 return, Brown has found a “Fountain of Youth” feeling fully rejuvenated and relishing the opportunity to be back on the UNC sideline.

UNC coach Mack Brown enjoying his redux to the Chapel Hill sidelines

Under Coach Mack, the “Sons of Charlie ‘Choo Choo’ Justice,” have led a classic Jekyll and Hyde existence, fortified by an explosive offense, but handicapped by a defense that is a porous as mountain steam flowing through boulders of limestone.

UNC’s Heisman contending QB Drake Maye spots his target

The Heels offense, which returns eight starters, is commanded by its Heisman contending dual-threat sophomore QB Drake Maye, who along with receiver Antwane Wells, has the ability to light the scoreboard faster than Joey Chestnut stuffs another Nathan’s Famous hotdog down his gullet, and will cause countless Ambien nights for opposing D coordinators.

But with apologies to the Greek poet Homer, the albatross that has kept these “Sons of Chris Hanburger” from making legitimate run at its first conference title since the final year of the Carter Administration (1980) is that D led by backer Cedric Gray, and his partner Kaimon Rucker, which has been leakier than the Norfolk Southern railroad cars that derailed in East Palestine, Ohio, finishing a woeful 101 in the nation last year.

In Columbia, South Carolina the mantra of the Gamecock’s faithful is: “In Shane we trust!”

South Carolina coach Shane Beamer congratulates his enigmatic starry QB Spencer Rattler

And we don’t mean Alan Ladd from the movie classic of the same name, but its highly respected third-year headman with the surname of Beamer, the son of Frank, the iconic HOF coach from Virginia Tech.

In his two seasons at the helm, the South Carolina headman has been able to instill a sense of optimism in not seen since in the “Gamecocks Nation” since Steve Spurrier was prowling the Williams-Brice stadium sideline cranking out  top-10, 11 win seasons.

But the ultimate question “rattling” around the minds of the Columbia faithful would have been better answered by the mid-fifties classic television panel show; “To Tell the Truth.”

“Will the real Spencer Rattler, the one-time Oklahoma Heisman contending southpaw, please stand up?”

Longfellow’s poem, “There Was a Little Girl,” perfectly captures the maddening performances of the starry South Carolina field general.

When he is good he plays with the same esprit de corps and fearless brash cockiness of a matador with the ability able to slice apart any defense on full display.

But when he is bad, tossing drive killing interceptions, and committing costly fumbles, he is horrid, and his consistency will ultimately determine the seasonal direction of these “Sons of George Rogers.”

But an unresolved issue for the Gamecocks is a defense, which over the last five seasons has ranked 11^th or worse in the SEC defending the run, and last season allowed an eye-popping colander-like 200-yards a game, a disastrous recipe not found in any book by Julia Child.

This game may well end up being a case of, who has the ball last.  And with that said, we think the sage of Chapel Hill beats the rising coach from Columbia, in a shootout worthy of the O.K. Corral.

Colorado at No. 17 TCU (FOX, Noon) In the immortal words attributed to that entrepreneur and circus showman; Phineas Taylor Barnum a.k.a. PT, “There is a sucker born every minute.”

P.T. Barnum poses for a photo

And in our opinion that sentiment perfectly captures the Beatles-esque hysteria swirling around the Boulder Campus over the hiring of Deion, call me “Coach Prime” Sanders.

With apologies to the “Jeffersons,” “Mr. Show Pony,” who is moving on up to play with the big boys of the FBS, is being hailed as the savior of the moribund Colorado football program.

“Coach Prime” a.k.a Deion Sanders and his starry QB son Shedeur

But after a 1-11 season, which featured a defense that was shredded like a wheel of cheddar by allowing 44-points a game, any beacon of hope is welcomed, especially for a program that has produced only a single winning season in its last 17.  WOW!

Sanders, fully aware of those life support conditions, has seared his stamp on these “Sons of Byron ‘Whizzer’ White,” by reshaping the roster like the sand castle masters on Revere Beach.

He has made nearly as many changes as the backstage of a Stella McCartney Paris runway fashion show, importing 33-portal transfers, and reinforcing them with 19-recruits in a rebuild worthy of Boston’s “Big Dig.”

The most highly touted addition is his QB son Shedeur, a dynamic elusive dual-threat commander, who was the HBCU (Historically Black Colleges and Universities) Player of the Year last season.

If there is to be a Boulder renaissance, the Buffs triggerman will be the drum major leading Colorado from the abyss and back to the path of respectability.

TCU headman with his Horned Frogs

In Fort Worth, the home of Roger Miller, the true “King of the Road,” TCU’s coach, Sonny Dykes, who took his Cinderella Horned Frogs to the national title game, will never again have to pay for a three-finger pour of Macallan.

TCU QB Chandler Morris spots his target

And although no one is expecting a repeat performance, these “Sons of Bob Lilly” have an ample supply of returning talent, to once again challenge for the Big 12 Title, led by the return of QB Chandler Morris, last year’s starter, who was lost to an early season injury.

Under its new o-coordinator Kendal Briles, the Purple Frogs offense intends to attack in gigabyte speed, utilizing the assets of OK State transfer wideout JP Richardson, former Alabama tailback Trey Sanders, his backfield mate Emani Bailey, and wide receiver Savion Williams, for an offense that pressures from more angles than a water color painting of a Gloucester house by the acclaimed artist Edward Hopper.

But as the faithful are well aware, TCU’s D displayed more holes than a Palestinian’s home on the West Bank, but with seven returning starters led by tackle Damonic Williams, corner Josh Newton, and backer Johnny Hodges, it should be a much tighter cohesive group.

We think that Phineas Taylor Barnum’s words ring true, as the hype around “Coach Prime” and his Boulder footballers gets stamped with a season opening L.  Sorry Prime!

That’s it from cyber-space.  We’ll be up and running with week 2 Wednesday night.  Until then, Peace, enjoy the Labor Day holiday, and listen to the music.  PK.