We begin this week with a dummy depth chart, and a tweaking of a coach who loves to dish it out, but chafes when stuff comes flying his way.
Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh simply refuses to issue a two deep depth chart. So in that spirit the University of Colorado last week’s “Big House” opponent thought it would have some fun by issuing its own unique chart leaving Big Blue’s headman in an unpleasant mood.
The Buffaloes’ long time SID, Dave Plati, put together a chart for the ages, and here is a sampling of some of the “players.”
The “Roamer Dude” Bill Walton and Dude Lebowski (Jeff Bridges), at wide receiver Elwood Blues and Jake Blues, halfback the Hanson brothers from “Slapshot” Steve, Jack, and Jeff, while Olive Oil and Manute Bol were the thin receivers. Brilliant!
This weekend, let’s see which teams “abide” the wishes of its alumni and celebrate its capturing of an impressive victory by sipping “White Russians” and which, like Jake and Elwood leaves its faithful with the blues by harmonizing: “Shama Lama Ding Dong.”
No.11 Wisconsin at No. 8 Michigan State (Noon, Big Ten Network) This game will give us an indication if the “Sons of Alan Ameche” are real or Memorex.
Since its season opening upset victory over LSU, Coach Paul Chryst’s “Mad-town” offense has been as cross wired as the explosive Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.
In their first meeting in four years (Scheduling), the Badgers are expected to switch to r-freshman QB Alex Hornibrook, who, in his brief appearances, has performed with the poise of a fedora adorned Sinatra mellifluously belting out: “My Way.”
If the kid gets the starting nod, he’ll lean heavily on the tailback pairing of Corey Clement (ankle), and Braderick Show, while wideouts Robert Wheelwright, Jazz Peavy, and tight end Tony Fumagell,i but more likely for this game Kyle Penniston, are quality targets.
Wiscy’s D, anchored by the linebacking trio: Vince Biegel, Jack Cichy, and T.J. Watt (brother of JJ) is more aggressive than the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” and harder to penetrate than the financial contributors list to the Clinton Foundation.
In East Lansing, since taking over the Spartans, Coach Mark Dantonio (89-33 .728) has had a better run than an early Facebook investor.
Fifth year senior QB Tyler O’Connor, the undisputed leader of the leather-tough Spartans, who always play with more shoulder chips than a bag of Toll House from Nestle, is assisted by a pair of anvil-pounding tailbacks, Gerald Holmes and R.J. Shelton, while tight end Josiah Price, and wideouts Dominic Corley and Monty Madaris are game breaking targets.
The D of the “Sons of Duffy Daugherty” anchored by the backer threesome; Riley Bullough, Jon Reschke, and Andrew Dowell, is meaner than a former East German border guard, and hits with the force of a John L. Sullivan “The Boston Strong Boy” right hand.
Wiscy hasn’t won a game at Spartan Stadium since W was planning the invasion of Sudan Hussein’s “WMD” Iraq (2002), and we don’t see that trend ending Saturday, or for that matter, anytime in the immediate future.
No. 17 Arkansas vs No.10 Texas A@M (ESPN, 9 p.m. – Jerry’s World) Coach Bret Bielema’s Hogs have mucked its way into the national picture.
After patiently waiting his turn, junior QB Austin Allen (his brother was a 3-year starter), has performed with the same understated deportment that former Boston Police Commissioner Ed Davis displayed after the Boston Marathon bombings.
The pro-set maestro of the “Sons of Frank Broyles” who is somewhat hamstrung by a reconstituted offensive line, is assisted by a pair of bulldozing tailbacks Rawleigh Williams III, and Kody Walker, while wideouts Drew Morgan, Keon Hatcher (18 yds. per catch), and tight end Jeremy Sprinkle provide comforting targets.
The Razorbacks D which emulates the aggressive personality of his jumbo-sized head coach, finds itself saddled with more bruises than a kick-boxer, having been dramatically weakened by the loss of starting linebackers Brooks Ellis and Dre Greenlaw.
It’s early, but it appears that the Aggies “12th Man” wants its beleaguered Coach Kevin Sumlin to stick around College Station for a while, as volume on Glen Fry’s hit song: “The Heat Is On,” is no longer is on full boil, now that the Aggies are sitting on a top-ten perch.
But there are danger signs as the offense is performing like it’s desperate for that extra man.
The “Sons of John David Crow” are under the guidance of Oklahoma graduate transfer QB Trevor Knight, who makes a connection as often as a Keolis riding commuter (52 percent completion rate), but on the plus-side the Aggies found its long sought after game breaking tailback; t-freshman Trayveon Williams, who is scooting for over 8-yards a carry.
The D anchored by its All-America end Myles Garrett, along with backer Claude George, and safety Justin Evans smashes opponents like Hanley Ramirez crushes a homer, and ultimately will determine if the Aggies remain on its lofty perch, and more importantly for Coach Sumlin, will he continues to cash his paycheck in College Station.
No. 19 Florida at No.14 Tennessee (Ch.4, 3:30 p.m.) The last time the Gators lost this game (won 11-in-a-row), W was in the Oval Office struggling with his pronunciation of the word nuclear-2004.
But there is concern in Gainesville as starting QB Luke Del Rio (knee) is out, and Purdue transfer, fifth year graduate senior Austin Appleby, is next man up.
The ex-Boilermaker is assisted by tailbacks Jordan Scarlett and Mark Thompson, but the Gators game breaking receiver; Antonio Callaway (quad) remains questionable for this game. That situation makes tight end DeAndre Goolsby a much more valuable asset.
But if the Gator streak is going to climb to an even dozen, it will come courtesy of a Florida defense that is stronger than the reelection chances of Vladimir Putin.
That side of the ball which has taken on a stinginess Jack Benny proportions, is led by backers Jarrad Davis, Alex Anzalone, and safety Marcus Maye, and surrenders points as often as former Boston Mayor Tom Menino correctly annunciated the name of: Adam Vinatieri.
In Knoxville, Tennessee was expected to roll through the opposition like the Germans through Poland in 1939. But “A funny thing happened on the way to the forum” as Zero Mostel might have crowed.
The Vols have been as creaky as the “Tin Man” from in OZ before Dorothy came along. The shortage of WD-40 is mainly due to an offensive line that is as challenged as Hillary Clinton is with the truth.
The “Sons of Johnny Majors” have also fumbled a jaw-dropping 11-times (miraculously losing only one) and have been savaged by injuries, and hampered by an overload of foolish penalties.
In addition, the play of QB Josh Dobbs (6 TDs-3 ints. – 60%) which was expected to shine like the Northern Star, has been weaker than the sighting of Kohoutek the Comet, while its oxen-sized tailback Jalen Hurd, has been as pedestrian as a bowl of cold oatmeal.
Coach Butch Jones, who’s under tremendous pressure to challenge for the SEC East Title, summarized his team’s performance succinctly and accurately; “We lack consistency.”
The “Orange Swarm’s” aggressive D, may be without its leader, backer Jalen Reeves-Maybin (shoulder), while another key piece, All-America corner Cameron Sutton, will not play, leaving All-America end Derek Barnett in a much larger role.
We think the Boys from the Sunshine State make it an even dozen, leaving 110,000 orange-clad Rocky Toppers crying in their beer.
No.7 Stanford at UCLA (Ch.5, 8 p.m.) Stanford hates the moniker: “The Harvard of the West.” But its faithful is all in on: “Christian McCaffrey University.” That’s how electrifying, and unstoppable, its All-America tailback/receiver/kick returner, and serious Heisman candidate has performed.
The Houdini-like magician plays with an esprit de corps not seen since OJ Simpson, was gliding and slashing through hapless Coliseum defenses during the “Woodstock hippie days” of the late sixties.
The “Sons of Jim Plunkett” are guided by its new conductor, QB Ryan Burns, who is assisted by the aforementioned wunderkind, his fellow wideout Michael Rector, and tailback Byrce Love, who motors with world class speed.
Coach David Shaw (56-14, .800) summarized the offensive philosophy of the “Boys on the Farm, “We play with an intellectual brutality.” (Sounds like a graduate Psych class.)
The D behind backers Peter Kalambayi, Joey Alfieri, end Solomon Thomas, and safety Zach Hoffpauir plays with a disposition that is nastier than Hillary toward all her Secret Service agents.
In LA, the “Sons of Gary Beban” are wondering when the 2015 version of sophomore QB Josh (4 TDs-4 Ints, 60%) Rosen is going to appear.
It’s almost as if Gary Moore was hosting a Bruins football team version of: “To Tell the Truth.” [For you young’uns hit You Tube it] “Will the real Josh Rosen please stand up?”
And if UCLA intends to make a Pac-12 run, the “good” Rosen needs to reappear on the floor of the Rose Bowl this Saturday.
The highly touted QB has a trio or targets; wideouts Kenny Walker, Darren Andrews, and tight end Nate Iese, while the ground game featuring Soso Jamabo and Bolu Olorunfunmi, remains like the Fore River Bridge, still a work in progress.
The D behind starry end Eddie Vanderdoes, and backers Jayon Brown, and Kenny Young has the ability to keep the Bruins in every game.
The Cardinal are riding an 8-game winning streak in this series, with six of those W’s coming by way of double digits, the last three by an eye-popping average of 18-points. We think the Cardinal makes it a perfect “Ted Williams”; of nine in a row.
Army at Buffalo (ESPN3, 7 p.m.) “I believe that football, perhaps more than any other sport, tends to instill in men the feeling that victory comes through hard – almost slavish – work, team play, self-confidence, and an enthusiasm that amounts to dedication.” Dwight David Eisenhower, West Point class 1915.
Over its recent history, Army football has been nearly as inept as the initial response by New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio after the bombing in Manhattan last Saturday night.
But this year, the Cadets are off to its best start (3-0) since the days when Bill Clinton was chasing Barbara Streisand around a West Wing piano, or still owned a license to practice law (1996) and we thought we’d take this opportunity to shine a light on the “Long Grey Line’s” men of the gridiron.
The “Sons of Doc Blanchard” are the nation’s second best tillers of the road (367 yds. a game) and remarkably have yet to lose a fumble.
These Independent Black Knights of the Hudson, who have already won more games than last season, are directed by its two-headed wishbone monster Ahmad Bradshaw, and Chris Carter, both of whom devour yardage faster than a Wells Fargo employee opens another phony bank account.
The QB’s are assisted by platoon of tailbacks: Andy Davidson, Darnell Woolfolk, and Jordan Ashberry, while end Edgar Poe (his real name), is lonelier than a Maytag repair man, having hauled in a total of three passes.
The key to this season’s resurgence has been a D anchored by backers, Andrew King, Jeremy Timpf, and safety Xavier Moss that has been stouter than a perfectly poured shamrock topped 16 ounce glass of Guinness.
The Bulls of Buffalo (0-2) are like its NFL counterparts; winless for its 2016 season.
The “Sons of Gerry Philbin” (Super Bowl III – Jets) roll behind its dual-threat QB Tyree Jackson, whose 44% completion percentage means he hits his target about as often as the Italian Army, or the Waco Kid in “Blazing Saddles.”
The shaky aerial artist is assisted by tailbacks Jordan Jackson and Johnat Hawkins, while receivers Kamathi Holsley and tight end Mason Schreck are principle targets.
In its first two games, Buffalo’s D, led by backers Khalil Hodge, Ishmael Hargrove, and safety Ryan Williamson has been stampeded and shredded more than a package of Kraft Parmesan Cheese.
The Cadets who are wearing the number 28 on the side of its helmets in honor of its starting cornerback Brandon Jackson who was recently killed in an automobile accident, deliver another W for their fallen teammate, and close within two victories of a bowl invitation. Eisenhower would be proud.
Last week: 1-4 Season record: 8-7
That’s it from cyber space. We’ll be up and running with our recap by Sunday at Noon. Until then, Peace, and listen to the music. pk