We begin this week with that classic combo; a roll of toilet paper, and a dozen eggs.
After last Saturday’s 35-7 wood-shed beat down, by South Carolina, two of the Georgia Bulldogs, backer Christian Robinson, and QB Aaron Murray, returned to an unusual homecoming.
“Came home to a house that was egged, and rolled,” Tweeted Robinson.
“It seems that people turn on you, when you’re not perfect. I thought we were in this together.”
Coach Mark Richt said, “Sometimes it comes with the territory.”
Later that morning, Robinson sent out another tweet.
“Still get to be a hero this morning, to the little kids at Athens Church. There are more important things in life, than wins, and losses.” Good for him.
But that doesn’t appear to be the case for some of the nitwits, who reside in the twisted culture of the SEC.
This weekend, let’s see which teams soufflé the opposition, by leaving it looking like a bunch of cracked eggs, and which leave the stadium walking on eggshells, after another disheartening loss.
No. 3 South Carolina at No. LSU (ESPN, 8 p.m.) The Head Ball Coach, “cocky” as ever, rolls into Baton Rouge riding a school record; 10 game winning streak.
And unlike his Fun n’ Gun days in Gainesville, the bedrock of the Mighty Gamecocks from Columbia; is its stifling D.
The nation’s fourth stingiest eleven (10.5 pts. a game), is anchored by a dominant, quarterback crunching end; Jadeveon Clowney, with assists from fellow end Kelcy Quarles, and backers Shaq Wilson, and Quin Smith.
This havoc inducing bunch, stones runners, and hits harder, than Charlie Weis hits the dessert tray.
The SC offense is directed by its steady marksman, dual threat QB, Connor (7 touchdown passes – 2 interceptions – 75% completions) Shaw, who is equally dangerous on the run.
The talented, unassuming leader, is assisted by his All-America plow horse; Marcus Lattimore (9 touchdowns), and a trio of solid wideouts; led by Bruce Ellington, and Ace Sanders.
In Baton Rouge, the Sons of Billy Cannon have won an eye-popping 75% of its game under the lights.
Or to put it another way, a game in Death Valley, is about as hospitable for the visitors, as the zone around the Turkish – Syrian border.
But as the Purple and Gold Faithful are well aware, Coach Les Miles Tigers have a lot of issues on offense. They have looked as one dimensional as; President Obama without a teleprompter.
QB Zach Mettenberger (6 touchdown passes – 3 interceptions) isn’t ready for prime time, which allows opposing defenses to load up against LSU’s trio of talented backs; Kenny Hilliard, Alfred Blue, and Michael Ford.
When Mettenberger does connect, wideouts Odell Beckham, and Jarvis Landry, are primary targets.
As the offense meanders, like the dead whale floating on the tides in Boston Harbor, it is left to the nation’s eighth stingiest D; (12.8 pts. a game), and third overall, to salvage the LSU season.
These steel-men, featuring All-America end Sam Montgomery, and backers; Kevin Minter and Lamin Barrow, are carrying a bigger burden, than the sensors on Jersey Girls.
Fully aware of the aforementioned risks, in taking South Carolina on a Saturday night in Baton Rouge, we think Spurrier’s Cocks are the better team, and somehow find a way to crow back to Gainesville with the victory.
No. 17 Stanford at No. 7 Notre Dame (Ch. 4, 3:30 p.m.) The only person with at tougher gig, than QB Josh Nunes taking over for Andrew Luck, is Pope Benedict XVI, taking over for John Paul II.
Luckily, the new Stanford director, (8 touchdown passes – 4 interceptions – 54 % completions), can rely on one of the toughest, and most effective, (15th in rushing) tailbacks in the nation; Stepfan Taylor.
When the new man does take to the air, tight end Zach Ertz, and wideout Ty Montgomery, are solid targets.
The Cardinal D, led by its trio of active backers featuring; Shayne Skov, stones runners, but is a woeful 113th defending the pass.
It’s been so long, not even Touchdown Jesus remembers these stellar numbers.
Harry Truman was sitting in the Oval Office (1947), the last time the Irish played five games without being behind, which, coincidentally, was a national championship season.
And the last time the Domers surrendered a Demi Moore anorexic total of 39 points through its first five games; (1975), Dan Devine was roaming its sideline, and Gerry Ford was roaming the White House grounds.
This Irish resurgence is traced to the nation’s second stingiest D (7 pts a game), keyed by its ubiquitous, All-America backer Manti Te’o, and his partner Prince Shembo.
This suffocating group has allowed a nation leading total of only 3 touchdowns, while not allowing a goal line crossing in its last 12 quarters of football.
Those impressive numbers are usually reserved for such talents as; Raquel Welch, or Brigitte Bardot. (I know! I’m dating myself!!)
The offense led by its curve climbing QB, Everett Golson (3 touchdown passes – 3 interceptions – 60 %), with assists from a pair of battering ram tailbacks, Cierre Wood, and George Atkinson III, averages a late 20th century, 28 points a game.
This will be, by far, ND’s toughest test.
But there is something magical going on in South Bend, and wherever Brian Kelly’s has coached, the third year has been his breakout charm.
To paraphrase Chief Brody in “Jaws;” “We’re going to need a bigger wagon,” in order to accommodate all the “jumpers” back, onto, the Irish bandwagon.
As ND moves to a remarkable; 6-0.
No. 13 Oklahoma vs. No. 15 Texas (Ch.5, Noon) Dallas, Texas – Cotton Bowl With both teams suffering a loss, this year’s Red River Rivalry, has lost some of its “fried Twinkie,” sizzle.
And the question that continues to echo in Norman: Does OU have its swagger back?
The Sooners are directed by its “once” highly touted, yet talented, mistake prone QB Landry Jones (5 touchdown passes – 2 interceptions), with assists from a pair of power tailbacks; the D and D Boys; Damien Williams and Dominique Whaley.
When the frustratingly erratic signal caller is on target, Kenny Stills, Justin Brown, and Sterling Shepard, are comforting, glue-fingered targets.
The Sooners D, the country’s 19th stingiest (16 pts. a game), led by backer Tom Wort, and end Chuka Ndule, shoots down the pass with the precision of an Israeli jetfighter, but is mediocre slowing the run, which is not the best State Fair recipe against Texas.
Texas is a defensive mess.
The Horns “elite” defense has been exposed, more than Paris Hilton.
It has become a major concern for Coach Mack Brown and the Austin Faithful, who still harbor dreams of a UT Renaissance.
This Ole’ matador-eleven, features a pair of disrupting ends; All-America Alex Okafor, and his partner Jackson Jeffcoat, but overall is a horn-splitting 83rd in stopping the run, 74th overall, and 64th in points allowed.
If that’s elite, then a bologna and cheese sandwich is a gourmet meal.
On the other hand, the offense has been Blue Ribbon worthy.
The offensive Sons of Bevo, the country’s sixth highest scoring squad (46), are commanded by the nation’s third most efficient passer; QB David (11 touchdown passes – 1 interception – 75% completions) Ash.
The Austin Automatic feeds a pair of wrecking ball tailbacks; Joe Bergeron (9TDs), and Johnathan Gray, while receivers, Jaxon Shipley and Mike Davis are as sure handed as former Oriole shortstop, Mark Belanger. (Another old man reference).
In what is always a classic scene, regardless of records, we’ll take the Sooners in what promises to be, what else would you expect in Texas; a shootout.
No.6 Kansas State at Iowa State (FX, Noon) Once again the Wildcats septuagenarian Wizard, Coach Bill Snyder, is a formidable candidate for; Coach of the Year Honors.
Every year, the “experts” dismiss his Wildcats, and every year Snyder’s Boys to the delight of the Cat Faithful, confound the “experts.”
The Purple Cats from the “Little Apple,” Manhattan, Kansas are directed by its often bloodied dual-threat leader; Heisman candidate, QB Collin (7 touchdown passes – 2 interceptions – 7 rushing TDs) Klein.
The QB is the soul of the team, and he leaves more blood on the field, than a Friday night surgeon, in an inner city Emergency Room.
The rest of the Manhattan project, which is averaging 43 points a game, and 9th in rushing (263 yds. a game), features a pounding tailback John Hubert (7 yds. a carry), and a pair of Velcro handed wideouts; Chris Harper, and Tramaine Thompson.
The nation’s 16th tightest eleven (15 points a game), led by backer Arthur Brown, and end Adam Davis, is solid in all phases, and hits harder than a bodyguard, protecting Syrian Butcher, President al-Assad.
The only person who does more, with less, than Iowa State Coach Paul Rhoads, is Boston Mayor, Tom Menino.
On offense, these Sons of Johnny Majors, are about as dynamic as the Boston City Council, or a post game Bill Belichick press conference.
The Cyclones, led by its senior QB, Steele Jantz (7 touchdown passes – 7 interceptions) with assists from tailbacks James White, Shontrelle Johnson, and wideouts; Josh Lenz and Aaron Horne, averages a Munchkin-like; 26 points a game.
On D, the Boys from Ames are punishers, allowing 15 points a game, and feature a pair of dynamic Big 12 backers, Jake Knott, and A.J. Klein.
This is a very dangerous game for the visitors from Manhattan, but in the end, Saturday Football’s favorite player, Collin “Old Blood and Guts” Klein prevails.
No.22 Texas A&M at No. 23 Louisiana Tech (ESPN, 9:15 p.m.) This is the Hurricane Isaac rescheduled game, and for the Aggies, when it’s all over, they may very well feel they’ve been in a hurricane.
It is also a game that should have more scoring than a young Warren Beatty.
First year Coach Kevin Sumlin’s high octane attack (44 points a game), the eighth best in America, has been warmly received in College Station.
The Maestro of this point-a-thon is the Aggies mercury infused, dual-threat QB Johnny “Football” Manziel (11 touchdown passes – 2 interceptions – 69% completions), who has also run for seven scores.
Its charismatic leader is assisted by tailback Ben Malena, and a pair of chain-moving receivers; Ryan Swope and Mike Evans.
The nation’s 8th stingiest (14 pts. a game) D, led by backer Jonathan Stewart, and sacks master (7) Demonte Moore, isn’t vintage “Wrecking Crew,” but is much improved from the recent porous editions that have played on Kyle Field.
Like father, like son.
Sonny Dykes, the son of the legendary Texas Tech Coach, Spike, operates with the same high wire offensive act as his old man.
The Bulldogs of Louisiana Tech, are directed by its gunslinging QB, Colby Cameron (13 touchdown passes – 0 interceptions – 68% completions), who smoothly downshifts the country’s third highest scoring (53 points a game) machine.
The Ruston, Rifleman is assisted by tailbacks Kenneth Dixon, and Tevin King (combined 13 TDs), along with his starry wideout Quinton Patton.
But the D has more holes than a Syrian wall, after another “government” mass execution.
These sieve masters, featuring end IK Enemkpali, and backer Antonio Mitchum are a bottom sucking 1 from the bottom in pass defense, and total defense, while allowing an eye-popping average of; 35 points a game.
On the road, away from home, the Aggies won’t have its famed Twelfth Man.
They won’t need him, but they will need a bunch of points to prevail.
Last week: 3-2 Season record: 20-10.
Be sure to read our weekend recap, which will up and running by noon on Sunday. Until then, Peace, and listen to the music. PK