Handicapping week 6

We begin this week with another example of: “With booz, you lose.” 

 

Tyler Thomas, an Oregon State red-shirt freshman offensive lineman, was dismissed from the football team after police found him naked and intoxicated in a stranger’s home. 

 

Upon arrival, the cops ordered the over served Thomas to get on the ground.  He refused, then dropped into a three-point stance, and lunged at the officer.  That’s when the cops fired their stun guns to subdue him. 

 

Here’s some advice for Mr. Thomas.  Next time you drop into a three-point stance, check to make sure you’re wearing a football uniform.  This weekend, let’s see which teams get exposed, as frauds, and which stun its faithful with an upset victory. 

 

No. 17 Michigan State at No. 18 Michigan (Ch. 5, 3:30 p.m.) The Spartans, who are 5-0 for the first time since Nick Saban patrolled its sideline, are ready for battle against its despised big brother from Ann Arbor.

 

Sparty attacks on the arm of its steady leader, quarterback Kirk Cousins (9 touchdown passes – 4 interceptions) the nation’s thirteenth most efficient passer.  The QB leans heavily on his bruising tailback Edwin Baker (7 yds. a carry), his backfield mate LeVeon Bell, and a pair of chain moving wideouts; B.J. Cunningham and Mark Dell. 

 

The jackrabbit D, anchored by its All-America backer Greg Jones, backer Eric Gordon and corner Chris Rucker, stones runners, a necessity against Michigan, but is susceptible defending the pass.

 

Welcome to Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood.  “Shoelace,” also known as QB Denard Robinson, leads the nation in rushing, with an eye popping total of 905 yards. 

 

To put that number in perspective; “Mr. Everything” exceeds the rushing totals of 91 teams.  The Heisman Trophy contender can also throw, ranking fourth in pass efficiency (7 touchdown passes – 1 interception), while completing nearly 70 percent of his passes. 

 

And, if this was; “Who wants to be a millionaire?” the Maize and Blue magician would be coach $Rich Rod’s lifeline.  The rest of the cast; tailbacks Vincent Smith and Michael Shaw, along with wideouts Roy Roundtree and Darryl Stonum, remains in the best supporting category.

 

The D, featuring backers Jonas Mouton, Obi Ezeh and tackle Greg Banks, is dead last in defending the pass, allowing over 300 yards a game, and surrenders a porous average of 25 points a game.  It collectively sends more shivers down the spines of the Big House faithful, than a Tea Party candidate gives to the Republican Party establishment.

 

In a wild affair, that will have more points than the rats jumping from the Tim Cahill campaign bus, we like Sparty to lace “Shoelace,” and win one for Coach Dantonio, who is down with a damaged heart.

 

 

No. 1 Alabama at No. 19 South Carolina (Ch. 4, 3:30 p.m.)  Its pedigree, earns it the title of: the Yankees of college football, while its punishing style, rocks like the “Exile on Main Street” Stones.  This weekend Alabama takes its show to Columbia, South Carolina, for the final show of its trifecta gauntlet.  

 

The lead singer is its Jagger – smooth senior QB, Greg McElroy.  “Mr. Undefeated,” who has yet to lose a game as the starter for the Tuscaloosa eleven, is the nation’s thirteenth most efficient passer.  The Tide’s general, whose performance lifts in the fourth quarter, is mightily assisted by his glitter triplets; All-America tailback, and reigning Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram, his tailback partner Trent Richardson, and All-America wideout (bruised knee) Julio Jones.  These guys would give Usain Bolt a race.

 

The country’s stingiest D, – (9 points a game) – jams behind its All-America trio: end Marcell Dareus, backer Dont’a Hightower, and safety Mark Barron. 

 

This would be the signature victory for the Head Ball Coach’s tenure in South Carolina.  The cock of the walk for Spurrier’s Gamecocks is dual-threat quarterback Stephen Garcia, (5 touchdown passes – 2 interceptions), with assists from his hard charging freshman tailback Marcus Lattimore, and a big play wideout; Alshon Jeffrey who averages 18 yards a  reception.

 

 The D, which fires behind end Devin Taylor and safety DeVonte Holloman, is susceptible to the run, which is the wrong recipe against mighty Alabama.

 

To paraphrase the Stones, South Carolina, “Can’t get no satisfaction,” as Alabama’s streak of hits climbs to: 20 in a row.

 

No. 12 LSU at No. 14 Florida (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.)  Coach Les Miles should play the lottery.  LSU is undefeated, but its 5-0 record is shakier than Nancy Pelosi’s hold on the job of Speaker. 

 

The backbone of the Bayou Bengals is a defense that is the envy of the Pentagon.  These Sons of Tommy Casanova are the nation’s fifth stingiest, sixth overall and are led by a pair of All-Americas; backer Kelvin Sheppard and dynamic corner Patrick Peterson.

 

Unfortunately, for the Tiger faithful, the offense moves slower than the building project at Downtown Crossing.  It is co-directed by quarterbacks: Jarrett Lee and Jordan Jefferson, and rests eighth from the bottom in passing, 83rd in scoring, and attempts to move behind tailback Stevan Ridley, and receiver Terrence Toliver.

 

The Gators are angry and planning Swamp chomp on LSU.  QB John Brantley (ribs-questionable) is the director of this sputtering eleven, which is ranked 84th in overall efficiency.  The QB is assisted by tailback Jeffrey Demps (foot), his jack of all trades, rb/wr/qb Trey Burton, and shockingly, a bunch of jags (just a guy) at wide receiver.  

 

The Gators D, which leads the nation in interceptions, is solid in all phases and fires with safety Ahmad Black, end Duke Lemmens and backer Jon Bostic.  In the Swamp, LSU and Les Miles finally roll snake-eyes, as the Gators add an L to the LSU column.

 

No. 23 Florida State at No. 13 Miami (Ch. 5, 8 p.m.)  After its dismal performance in Norman, Coach Jimbo Fisher gets a second chance to put his stamp on the Seminole program. 

 

FSU is directed by its senior leader Christian Ponder (7 touchdown passes – 3 interceptions), with assists from a pounding ground assault (over 200 yards last three games), that features the tailback threesome: Ty Jones, Chris Thompson, and Jermaine Thomas.  When the QB, who was once touted as a Heisman Trophy candidate, takes to the air, he has a pair of good hands receivers; Bert Reed and Taiwan Easterling. 

 

The bone-rattling D, leads the nation in sacks (25), stones runners, and surrenders less than 16 points a game.  It attacks with these hard chargers: All-America corner Greg Reid, backer Nigel Bradham, and sack master end, Brandon Jenkins. 

 

The Canes are looking to chop some Seminoles. 

 

Mistake-prone quarterback Jacory Harris (10 touchdown passes – 8 interceptions, all in last 3 games) will determine the severity of the Hurricane warnings.  When he is on, Miami becomes a Category-5 force otherwise the Canes can look as harmless as; “hurricane” Earl.   Mr. Seesaw finds comfort from his Linus-blanket wideout, Leonard Hankerson, and a down hill tailback, Damien Berry. 

 

The D, which attacks behind a pair of All-Americas; end Allen Bailey and corner Branndon Harris, along with end Olivier Vernon, is second in the nation in sacks (17), and the fifteenth stingiest team in the land, surrendering 15 points a game.

 

In a close contest, we think that Hurricane warnings are up all over Miami, as “The U” “blows” past the Seminoles. 

 

Colorado at No. 24 Missouri (FSN, 7 p.m.) Buffs Coach Dan Hawkins, who is on the hoof with a 19-34 record, has a coaching chair so scorching; it is often mistaken for sun spot activity. 

 

As the faithful are well aware, the best offensive production in Boulder is often displayed by Colorado’s buffalo mascot Ralphie. 

 

The beast displays more explosiveness than the UC eleven, which ranks 81st overall, and 85th in scoring.  The leader of this cow pie group is quarterback Tyler Hansen (5 touchdown passes – 5 interceptions) with help from tailback Rodney Stewart and wideouts Scotty McKnight and Toney Clemons. 

 

The D, backboned by its linebacking brothers: Jon Major, Michael Sipili, and B.J. Beatty swallows runners, but gets stampeded defending the pass, which is the wrong ingredient against Missouri.

 

The Boys from the “Show Me State,” who have fattened on cupcakes, finally get to sample an entrée.  The Tigers top twenty offense is directed by its gunslinger QB, Blaine Gabbert, America’s eighth ranked passer, with help from tailbacks; Henry Josey, DeVion Moore, and receivers, T.J. Moe and Michael Egnew. 

 

The nation’s tenth stingiest D stifles teams, behind end Aldon Smith and backer Andrew Gachkar.  The “Show Me State,” crew shows the country that it can indeed digest the meal, as Missou, throws some gas on the Hawkins chair.

 

(Material from other sources was used in compiling this report.)

 

Last week’s record: 3-2.                                         Season record: 17-8. 

 

Make sure you read our weekend recap, which will be up and running by noon Sunday.

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